Chapter 20

ga3dt the next day at 10 with a smile on my face libst my training juicy w nizlt ta7t!

me: goodmorning jasseemmm!

jassem: goodmorning!

he didn't seem fine 7asait fee shayy..

me: jassem shfeek?

jassem: makuu

me: la adryy feek shayy goul goul shfeek?

jassem:tabeen inrou7 starbucks for breakfast w bakalmich ib salfa

me: okayy dokyyy

ga3dna ib starbucks w 6ilbt my drinkk! jassem ga3id jidamyy!

jassem: sim3ayy ajwan u remember shlon ib ur old school ma7ad iykalmichh oo shlon they hate you ? ana mu 8a9di ajri7ich wala shay ajwan oo mabe ashouf a tear bs entay tathkireen? oo il rumours w hal sowlif

me: ee..

jassem: well sim3ay lail7een yitkalam 3ainich oo makhtheen fikra 3ainich ou lail7een iygouloon bitch oo im9a7ba alf wa7idddd oo ilee yamshyy wiyach sim3ta mu zaina min hal kalam il zift!

me: okay ana barid il shalaihh;p

and i just walked away. day actually ruined. it's weird how they still talk about mee! not only them but other people too! like nearly all of kuwait and it's been 4 years now!!!!!! i lost MANY MANY friends from this! aku girls iykhafoon yamshoon wiyay iygouloon mabe sim3t'hom tikhtirib :s w il boys mu imkhaleene ib 7allyyy:'( .. should i kill myself? i would want to do it if it's not 7aram bs sadly it issss:( EVERYTHING SEEMS WRONG! it just does! i don't want to live but if i killed myself..madry should i? and i started going crazy thinking about killing myself!

theennn i got a whatsapp!

jassem: ajwan mara7 tanzileen il ba7ar ilyoum?

me: noo!

jassem: okk

i didn't feel like talking to anyone..7asait i just need a hug.

faj2a someone knocks the door!

me: mnuuu?

noor: ana noor ba6layy!

me: zain yaitayy:p? 

noor: LOL nizlay il ba7ar tara faisal minak wiya jassem w imnazleen il jetsss! 

me: afakir cus 7adyy daykhaa-.-

i wasn't really daykha bs ana mabe maly khilgg! ouu '6ayeg khilgyyy bs mabe awareeha ina feeni shayy cus kil my family say aksir il kha6ir w ma a7ibb a7ad iygoul chithyyy!

Chapter 19

guess chapter 18 isn't the last post 7ag 2012:p

yait noor oo her friends oo rikbna wiya il driver!
jassem ga3id jidam yam il driver ou ana bil'6ab6 wara!
jassem: rou7 shalaih babo
noor was so happy ina her friends ray7een wiyaha il shalaih ma kalimtne wayed kila wiya her friends-.-
it was kinda boring! oo aku one of her friends kila itkhiz jassem:/

finally wi9lna!!!!!!
ri7t foug w badalt to blue shorts w white shirt w nizlt
7assait ina biykoun boring madryy laish!
i tweeted : shalaih
faj2a alage whatsapp from joud
joud: entayy bil shalaih?:o
joud is one of my fav people in this world! she's so funny,pretty and so in love.
me: ee ee ta3alay 7ail malal:(
joud: la 7ada fashla!!!!-.- entayy ta3alay ana bs okhouy bil shalaih
me: okayy 20 mins w ayeech!

libst my toms w gilt 7ag noor barou7 7ag my friend and she said okayy kilish mu hamha:p
i went to joud's shalaih!
joud: a7medo ana batmasha wiya ajwan!
a7med: enzain bs laman adig 3alaich itrideen oo sa3a 10 entay bil shalaih fahma? ana rayi7 il gahwa
joud : okkk
it's so cute! abee okhoo kbeer:(
6ab3an sowlif joud kila 3an her love!!!! but it was so cute shlon it7iba w ohwa iy7ibha w lail7een maykalmoon ba3'6 they say it's early..
we got hungry minkithir ma mishana! ri7na mac kalaina w 6il3na! awal ma ba6alt il bab shift jassem wiya faisal w some guys in my school..
me: joud emshayy ibsir3aa w latlifeen wayhich
mishana 3al saree3 w joud then laughed at me shlon ikhtr3t!
i started thinking..umbayyy:O jassem w faisal friends? w both bil shalaih:O madryy shasawyy!!! khayfa iygoula shayy:( umbayy what if iygoula shayy! aw iy6ali3 7achy! okay 7ady mikhtar3a!
joud: yallah ajwan ana ray7a my shalaih
me: okayy byeee
i didn't even tell her ashoufich later or gi3day i was overthinking..madry shasawyy!!
dashait il shalaih ma kan fee '3air il khadama 7atan noor ma kanat-.-
i stayed ib my shorts oo shirt!
ga3dt a6ali3 tv oo maska my phone akalim my friends

faj2a jassem dash il shalaih he looked at me! a7is ma yabe iyshoufne w ma yabeene a9lan akoun wiyahom bil shalaih so i decided a6la3 ag3ad bara..ba6lt il bab
jassem: wain ray7a?
ana: batmasha
jassem: agoul gi3day bs gi3day it's 1
ana: so tara noor mu mini
jassem: adryy ray7a itnam 3ind her friend rawan omha tawa yait il shalaih
ana: ok shsawe ya3ny? ba6la3
jassem: ma tifhimeen entay?
3ndt w 6il3t for a second tithakart shlon ana w faisal use to fight oo shlon kan rasy yabis

ga3dt 3al ba7ar wila ashouf jassem beside me
jassem: entay wa7da 3needa w tara mane zafich ena kintay wiya faisal bs abeech tinsaina li2na mu khoush wa7id w ana akhaf 3alaich w entayy tadreen akhaf 3alaich w a7ibich 9a7 ajwan?
me: ee i'm sorry! *tears*
i'm the kind abchyy ibsir3a w 3ala ay sibab!!!
jassem: hey entay ya khara mabe ashouf dam3a! ma 3ash min z3lich w ana 7ayyy!!!
i smiled!
jassem: goulele sh9ar bil '6abt
we started talking w gitla kilshayy!
meanwhile i felt sleepy so gitla :yallah ana badish il shalaih w banam!
jassem: yallah goodnight!

faisal's shalaih kan yam shalaihna wila ashoufa ga3id bil balcony w shafna sitting together.. i just didn't care this time.

Chapter 18

Goodbye 2012
thankyou for the pain and lessons..
hello 2013
Today is the first blank page of a 365 page book. write a good one.
&don't ever think of looking back.
happy new year! enjoy it!!xo
guess it's my last post in 2012..


it was weird how he looked at me china imsawee shayy! awal ma 6il3t min il detention i checked my bag madryy 7asait ga6 a note or maybe something. i found..nothing.

i got a whatsapp from my cousin jassem
jassem: im3athil,jameel and his 17
jassem: shsalfat faisal madrstkom wa9elee khabar??
well ma gitlkom jassem iy7ibne w iykhaf 3alay w i don't keep secrets 3ala but i couldn't tell him i was in a relationship:/
me: shfee? hatha ib our school
jassem: kintay wiya ha?
i couldn't lie.
me: ee bs i did a mistake w many 3aydat'ha wallah:(
jassem saw it bs ma rad..
that was weird cus ohwa iyzif w 3a9abyy 7ail:/

faj2a omyy dashait 3alay!
mama: ajwano,noor itgoul rou7ayy sleepover 3indhom!
i just looked at her. i was kinda freaked out cus noor bint khaltyy ikht jassem.
mama: tabeen itrou7een wiya il driver wila agi6ich? cus ana w khaltich ray7een shopping.
me: la 3adyy yoma arou7 wiya il driver w barou7 starbucks shwy
mama: 5alaa9 zain

7a6at ib my bag 2 pjama's w a swimming suit cus 3indhom a huge pool
then my phone rings!
me: alo hala noor
noor: ajwano yibay wiyach training ba3ad binrou7 il shalaih for 5 days
me: enzain bs wiya mino?
noor: jassem w my 2 friends oo ba3ad my sister
me: okayy khaltyy mona mu yaya wiyana?
noor: ra7 til7agna 3gub bacher
me: okkk byee
sakrta w i got ready to go! ri7t gilt 7ag pinky itnade il driver!

chan ou9al bait khaltyy!:D
ma kan fee a7ad bil 9ala so gilt a93ad foug ashouf wain noor! 7atan noor ma kanat mawjooda:/
faj2a yi6la3 ib wayhe jassem! labis boxers!'.'
jassem: entay shitsaween mini?
me: shal isloub?
jassem: la jad shitsaween? noor ra7at itmour her friends wiya babo
me: ohh okayy! ana yaya wiyakom il shalaih
jassem looked at me and walked away china mu 3jba

nizlt ta7t w ga3dt bil 9ala! dagat 3ala noor 3ashan ashouf wainha galat she needs atleast 20 mins 3ashan to9al il surra!

Chapter 17

sorry for the late post!

this chapter is for someone special xo

jawa pulled me 3ashan itkalimne!

jawa:umbayyy madryy shfee faisal iykhizne chithi:$ iyanin:$

i just faked a smile.

jawa: bakalma w bajeeb rasaa!!!!!! w awarich bakoun 7abeebta!

i looked at her with a stare and walked away. shni'6amha?-.-

faj2a faisal came up to me and said ajwan would you skip class with me till hometime? boga 3 lessons!

me: eee okayy kilish malyy khilg sci

as me and faisal went to find a place to hide in we sat close beside each other!

and this what happens:

faisal: ajwan ana asif 3ala ilee sawaita bs ana a7ibich

me: ana ba3ad

faisal: ya3nyy imsam7tne?

me: ee akeed

faisal: remember laman 6i7tyy '3ashyana? tadreen ana wala mara ib 7ayatyy bichat 3ala bint? bs entayy '3air! ana abeech entayy w bss bala banat il madrisa bala hal kharabee6!

me: bs 7anan ent hadatnyy 3ashanha! u were cheating on me

*tears*

Retaj: GOUMAYYYYY! ajwan shfeech tabcheen??

*as i wake up i released it was just a stupid dream w ana ib 3rabyy w il istath yishr7 7ag nafsa:)*

me: retaj 7ilmt fee w kint ga3da as2ala laish he cheated!

retaj: bs ajwan bs! hatha shimsawi feech! khara fee! 

all i said was : enshallah

retaj: ee oo tara daloul 3indaha after school ta3alay nakhith may9eer inkhaleeha brou7ha!

me:fouga!

ga3dna in2athee il istath w ga6ana 3ala a ball until we got a afterschool! we laughed oo had fun for a while nisat ina i'm sad. that's why i love my friends<3

it's 2:35 oo lazem indish il after school detention ba3ad 5 mins..

w e7na dasheen chan..

mr.kevin: ajwan and dalal let faisal sit between you two!

i looked at dalool and retaj and giggled like nothing was wrong.

The detention is going to end in few mins w e7na kilna sakteen!

faisal: mr.kevin can i go to the bathroom?

mr.kevin said yes!

w awal ma rad faisal he looked at me china imsawee shayy..

Chapter 16

faj2a the name changes to "hanan"
she immediately started the chat:
hanan: wakhray 3ana FAISAL w a'6in entayy fahma?
me: ee
hanan: tff zbala
and she deleted me when i read it.
ma sawait shayy..
it was just the end of my second stupid relationship!
at this moment i regret EVERYTHING i have done. everything seems wrong,a lot of haters,people still call me a bitch. they have no respect to me and i have no luck in love! or let's just say IM JUST BAD LUCK. i started thinking..how come i'm just 15 and kil hatha ga3id iy9eer feeni? i'm not a happy person..
i went to bed w ga3dt in the dark afakir..that's what i do laman akoun mit'6ayga.
i felt like i'm never good enough for anyone.
felt stupid,leftout and more! sh3our 7ail 5ayisss!:)

the next day ga3dt w i got ready for school!
awal ma wi9lt retaj just stopped and looked at me..
me: shfeech?
retaj: ajwan entayy nayma w entay ga3id tabcheen? sh9ayir? SHAKLICH TA3BANA!
dalal: ee ajwan sh9ar 3ala faisal?
i just looked at them both and bursted into tears.
they both hugged me and made me feel better by saying stupid jokes hatha a7la shayy feehom mayhidoon il wa7id ila laman they feel better<3

deep inside i felt broken. i have the worst past anyone can have and the worst 2 relationships. that's when i started hating myself..sometimes i just wish i was never born.

it was break!
ana the type ma7ib akil in break madryy laish ma7ib! bs kint daykha w ratouj w dalool galouli i had to eat so kint ga3da akil pizza:') w amshyy wila ashouf faisal jidamyy ga6at il pizza 3ala dalal w mishat! retaj ga3dt ti'67ak!
retaj : maynoona entayy?
i blushed
dalal: get over him khal iywalyy!
dalal was right. i should forget him cus all he did was make me feel bad.

faj2a yait Jawa w sa7batnee chan itgoul abeech ib salfa!!!!...
(Jawa 15 mit7jba w wayed titlazag bil boys! w FAISAL HATES HER MUCH..)
me: okay 3an mnu?
jawa: faisal!!!!
....

Chapter 15

after few weeks..

things started to change a lot ya3nyy agoula i love you iygoule thanks or :* ..

this is when...

faisal tweeted "hr" is my everything&my one and only"

on instagram he posted a pic of a girl with red nailpolish on imsawya heart!

so i had an idea,i thought of going to his followers and see itha aku wa7da ismha "hr" as i was searching ratouj and dalool helped! we found an account "hanoon_alr_" w 7ada the pic he posted on insta,6ab3an her face doesn't show bs her hands and hair..i was shocked:O

*guys don't search this on twitter it's a made up account*

i wanted to cry but i didn't. dashait whatsapp and i started the chat..

me: hey faisal

faisal: hala

me: ish3ala mnu hathe hr?

faisal: wa7id min il rabi3

me: mu '3abiya ana u posted on insta w tweeted oh yeah and i found her on twitter!

faisal: sim3ay ajwan la tig3ideen itkharbi6een foug rasy! gitlich wa7id min il rabi3! ma tifhimeen? khara bilee iyfakir iykalmich! ana ma a5oun bs entay il '6aher mu kafu! yallah fileeha w thelfayy bye!

he didn't even give me a chance to talk!:'O

tears started falling that's when i believed i'm just bad luck in this world..

i started thinking why i'm i still living? why is this happening to me? what have i done wrong?

and it's true when they say overthinking kills your happiness :(

min il ta3ab w il tears i stayed in bed the whole day and my phone was off. i fell asleep..

the next day ba6alt my phone wila alga a bbm request from FaisalAl***** i was shocked:O cus faisal 3inda iphone mu blackberry..i accepted wila..

comment please! http://ask.fm/thepasthurts

Chapter 14

sorry for the late post guys xo


as i open ask i get:

'ajwan wakhrayy 3an faisal"

"ajwan i want you not faisal"

"AJWAN MAY7IBICH"

i just skipped and couldn't careless!
cause i know who faisal is and i really love him he helped me in alot of thimgs! he once fought with his friends for me! ma yirtha a7ad yitkalam 3aini

everything was fine until faisal stopped talking to me for DAYS!

here comes the pain..

then! i get family problems!:)

parents fight. father is cheating. mom in pain.

this is when EVERYTHING GETS WORSE!!!

after few days we lost our grandma min 9oub omyy:(

it was like nothing can get any worse..

so for 3 days i stayed at home 7ag 3aza w hal sowlif! ba3dain dawamt..at hometime that day kint ga3da alone cus madry wain my driver-.- w il madrisa kanat fa'6ya wila ashouf faisal waray galee ta3alay nitmasha shwy..iftarana bil madrisa chan iygoul: ajwan im so sorry ina mu ga3da akalmich bs im having family problems w adry ur grandma matat allah yir7ma w 3atham allah ajrich! 

my face had a stupid smile after few mins turned into tears! 

faj2a all i feel is a hug!! after that he cheered me up w gale it's okay w chithy! i went home sort of kind of happy..

everytime he does a mistake i just forgive him so easily cus i believe that he loves me and i love him! SOOO MUCHHH! w all i had in mind is that i'll never lose him i would lose anyone but him..

he meant everything to me..

and so we're back to school w 9irt ashouf ilee iy7iboona like every day-.- but in mind kilish mu mih'tama cus i trust him so much! and we've been together for like 5 months now! w 7AAAILLL MIT3ALGA FEE! he made me forget kilshay 9ar feeni and he always makes me smile! i couldn't ask for anything better. a hug made me 100% better!

one of the days i got a message from faisal saying: ajwan meet me bil meeting room maku a7ad and let's have our first kiss
i just refused and said NO,cus it's wrong..love isn't this way and it never was.

Chapter 13

...il ra8am kan '3areeb bs radait!

me: alu?

thick voice: ajwan? '3ayartay madrisa w 7abate mara wa7da? ma tit3alaman entay? 6oul 3omrich bit'6aleen..

*sakrta*

i bursted out into tears not knowing what to do..

i decided to tell ratouj&dalool w faisal

i told faisal and my bestfriends il salfa!

faisal said: ajwan ana walah mu gayel 7ag a7ad!!!!!:/

ratouj said: bs ajwan one of the girls in year 9 is with bader in a relationship and bader is ur ex bestfriend fa akeed galatla ena faisal ya w galina ni6la3 w bader ra7 gal 7ag ur ex?

i was speechless..

problems everywhere!

so me and faisal decided ina insawi nafisna mankalim ba3'6 in school! but he used to give me the cutest looks ever!

6ab3an banat our school mayteen 3ala w some iyrou7oon iysalmoon 3ala and i get so jealous-.-

months passed and it was summer..

no problems for few months and i was simply happy with my life!

faisal asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yess! i was waiting for this moment when gitla yes 6la3t min galbyy!!!! both of my bestfriends galaw we are like the cutest couples in school!

summer:

la7'6t faisal 7ail 3a9abyy w moody w 7asaita he changed! but my love for him didn't change..we started talking less! his twitter followers/following kila banat w ana i dont follow wala 9bay 3ashana bs i couldn't say anything..

and so this what happens in one of the summer days:

me: ana ray7a avenues wiya ratouj and dalool

faisal : ana rayi7 wiya a7med w hassan!

me: okayy see youu!

shifta minik w we both smiled at each other. our smile was stopped ib nafs il wagt kina shy! kan aku boys warana it3rfoon some of kuwaity guys laman yil7igoon-.- faj2a alga a7ad warayy 7ail lazig feeni w whispers "emshay asra3" it was faisal..kan im3a9ib laish la7geena w wa9lne to my drivers car w misha! that was the cutest thing ever! 

radait il bait '3asalt wayhe libst my pj's w jumped into bed miskt my phone..gilt khal adish ask minziman mu dasha..ask i open ask i see..

Chapter 12

heyy! abee a3rif cham readers i have please:( so if ur a reader dm me!xo hope you like thisss!

so radait il bait so happy my smile shaga wayhee:D ri7t directly foug to daryy w ga3dt asolif wiya faisal the day passed w the next day i told both of my bestfriends ina shnu galyy! they we're shocked:o 

-----

Retaj: ya zaga tadreen hatha faisal kil il banat yaboona?:o thgeel ma ya36ee wayh w yabeech?:o 7a'6ichh  *za8oom:$*

*i smiled*

dalal: ee ajwano! ish3ala it7ibeena haa?:p

-----

here is few things about my best friends:

Retaj is the funny one and naughty jaree2a w itha ga3dtaw wiyaha ra7 taf9iloon=)) she's kind and amazing! she helps me alot when i have a problem

Dalal tist7e marat! 7abooba:p she's amazingg!! iygouloon tishbahnee 7ail! some people think e7na sisters:o

-----

dalool: bacher sports day!!!!!!

retaj: wai3 mane yaya male khilg:/

me: umbayy ta3alay khal nistanis-.-

retaj: ee entayy ray7a 3ashan faisal adryy:p

-----

next morning:

ga3dt 7ail mistansa sawait sh3ryy libst short w a yellow shirt! my fav colour and faisal's too! ri7t marait dalool w marait ratouj '3a9bin 3alaiha bityee cus kilish mu wanasa bidounha! ba3dain ri7na starbucks 6ilbna w wi9lna school! ma kan fee wayed nass:/ anyways ri7na il mal3ab w we played some events!

ba3dain 7asait ib doukha w ta3bt cus mu makla 3adil w 7ail 7aaar:/..

faj2a all i hear is banat w faisal w mudarseen ga3deen iy9ar5oon!

girls: goumay ajwaan AJWAAN SHFEECHH!

faisal: shfeeha shfeeha sh9ar?

teachers: guys back off lets take her to the hospital 

ga3dt bil hospital wila ashouf teachers and students all around me! some girls crying..il teachers galaw we will sit in the cafe shop and wait you guys! ajwan you'll go out after 2 hours and ur parents are coming! awal ma il teacher ra7aw faisal said: banat 3adyy bs ag3ad 5 mins bakalim ajwan..

everyone went out the room and started gossiping 

*cute*

*umbayyy 9ij iy7ibhaa*

*waay iyshawgoon together*

faisal misk eedyy ilee 7a6en il drip feeha and said:

ajwan sh9ar? are you ok? ana mu gitlich eklayy?

me: sorry:( 7ady daykha w rasyy iy3awirne:( w ma 7asait ib nafse

faisal tears came down his face and he said : khara3teene 3alaich ma tadreen shkithir khift! as faisal reached to kiss my hand..

faj2a my friends dashaw w galaw ur parents kahum yayeen! 

*6afaw 2 hours w radait il bait*

ma miskt my phone wayed cus 7ail kint daykha!!

and so i started thinking:

iy7ibne? ee 7ail iy7ibne! awal mara 9bay yabche for me:o umbayy shlon misak eedyy:( he really doesn't care what people say or think about me and thats so cute:( jad rayal!!

faj2a my phone rings..

chapter 11

sorry guys! my old account @ mydarkpast got hacked and i just stopped writing:( but tawne sawait new account w enshallah kil my followers w readers iyridoon! my bestfriend/brother that means the world to me is helping me out his name is wahab! heyy there wahab:*

so well as you know i changed schools awal shayy i didnt make a lot of friends:/ but everyone seemed nice! faisal was just amazing kilyoum in school he passes by and says hi!
every girl in school thinks his hot and loves him:/ i didn't blame them! li2na jad jameel w he has the best personality and helps everyone out!
first term passed and i started loving my school a lot my grade was fun and naughty.
it was a thursday and i was in class!  i got a whatsapp from faisal saying "ajwan ta3alay il sci lab at hometime" so i told my bestfriends i have to go get my books from the sci lab,ma 7abait agoul 7ag a7ad! dakhalt il sci lab wila alga faisal sitting so ri7t and im like..
me: hello! *so shy*
faisal: hala ajwan! tara ana 7ab agoulich shayy..
me: okayyy?
faisal: ana min awal ma kalamtich 7abaitich entayy bint '3air il bint w kil ilee u went through u still smile everyday..
me: *ma tikalamt i was just to shy to say anything*
faisal: khala9 ajwano akalmich whatsapp yallah la tit2akharain 3ala ur driver!
me: okayy byee!
rikabt il sayara i started thinking! do i feel the same way or is it just a stupid crush? bs may9eer a7ib ilee 9ar feeni mu shwy! what if he was just playing? no no way i trust him..i just don't knoww..